Tiktilaaooookk

what's in a face?

2006-03-28T10:57:00.000-08:00

The auditions for Bayanihan were held today. Everyone was asked to come, old and new. I went out of the audition room feeling dissapointed. The panel let us all stand there in a line, according to height. Tallest to smallest. I was among the smallest ones... Then after that they made us shift different places just to see which faces "blended" well together. It bothered me so much, that the 'senior ones' in particular weren't made to do anything. Not even dance. (Oo nga, siyempre matagal na nila nakikitang sumasayaw ang mga senior. Pero para saan pa na pinapunta lahat para mag audition. Hindi ba't para fair?) It was like the selection was based purely on looks. I have nothing against admiring the beautiful, but if I were to choose, I'd be after talent, brains, but most especially heart. Someone who has passion for dancing and most especially for our culture. Our country is suffering from so much already, and if there's something I know I can be proud of as a filipino, its the passion and drive that a lot of us have. The talent. The richness and diversity of our culture. I know why Bayanihan does this kind of judging... they want stunning performers, etc... But really... is that actually more important then the attitude im trying to talk about? Im quite depressed...

Talked to my parents about it. My mom agreed with me. Nakakatawa nga kasi she started talking about Ateneo and the Blue Eagle syndrome. Ika nga niya: "Ateneans are taught to soar high." That's why I feel this way raw. Dissapointed and all. But on the other hand, my dad naman was like: "Pucha dati ang gaganda ng mga bayanihan!" So sa tingin ko may katotohanan sa parehong panig. Pero alin ba talaga? Ganun ba ka halaga ang hitsura? FOr the guys, ano sa tingin niyo? Ewan ko.. basta ako. Eto talaga ang paninindigan ko. I will do my best and make my country proud. I will work on my craft and work on my looks I guess. haha.. nakakabaliw. Kanina talaga init ng ulo ko.

grad practice

2006-03-24T02:34:00.000-08:00

As i was sitting amongst all the other graduating students and watching the sixty-plus students worthy of honorable mention, I couldn't help but be a little bit frustrated. Why couldn't I have worked a little harder. But I guess if asked if I would go through the whole college experience again just to be in the honors roll, I'd have said no. More than anything, college has been for me, a refuge. Something that seems like a very detached portion of my life, yet a place I end up in, no matter what im going through. It seems that the four years flew before I could even appreciate the bundles of paper Id bury my head into. In retrospect, however, I know how different I am from the introverted freshie I was four years ago. Its good to look back. It makes me appreciate each and every aspect of me. Mistakes and accomplishments. Relationships built. (Nagdrama daw ba... :D)

update!

2006-03-23T06:47:00.000-08:00

Nakakatamad nang mag update, ang dami nang nangyari since I last updated my blog. Romeo and Juliet!!! Perhaps one of the most significant projects of my life. Natapos narin, pagatapos ng maraming trabaho, tawanan, iyak. I love theater even more now. Ang dami kong natutunan, ang daming nangyari sakin, na masasabi kong nagpatanda sa akin. And to me thats a good thing. I'll be more specific, when I have time. When I don't have to wake up at 6, for the mass tom.
Then of course, I just came home from a super enjoyable 2 week tour in Berlin, Moscow, and Frankfurt. So I owe my blog two entries, at least.
Last night was also the blue roast. The very informal grad party of Ateneo batch2006. yay! Bilis ng oras. Ang ganda ng ginawa nila sa BEL field. Ang ganda talaga pag sinisindihan yung mga ilaw ng puno duon eh... in the middle of the party i told my friend "parang ang sarap mag jogging..." sarap ng hangin. perfect. except i haven't really been in the best of moods lately. I did something quite unlike me. I gave my blue rose to this guy who used to be in my philo class. I don't know him and I've never spoken to him. Anyway, I've been a little down lately, and after I gave him the rose my dimple just wouldn't dissapear. :) uy, understatement. hahaha.. tagal na akong hindi kinikilig. Also, I am SO relieved that I didn't feel totally embarassed when I did it. He was actually very polite. Now I know his name. yey.

owwww!!!!

2005-10-22T11:26:00.000-07:00

It takes time for you to convince yourself it's over. You're better off without him. You've moved on. Then once you have, you act as if you've been reborn. You manage to smile and laugh around him. You take pride in the fact that you can touch him or punch him. Hug or kiss him and it means nothing. But, really, who are you kidding.
I hear the mention of his name, and my ears instantly become alert. Every thing he says about his girlfriend, or any other girl he mentions is a slap on my face. Seeing him, acting with him---a humbling experience. He doesn't even know it. I am crazy jealous.
I can't just forget. I don't think I can let go. I can only watch as he goes farther away from me. That's the only choice I have. I won't go after him. I won't bother him. I can't, I care too much.
The other day we were alone for an hour in the auditorium. We talked. At some point he suddenly blurted: "bata ka pa talaga, pero okay yan." The thing is, he knows what i've been through. It's dissapointing that what i say doesn't have as much weight as he'd want it to have because I'm "young". I don't care if I'm young, I know he loves me too. What's in a name?!?!
Anyway, I miss him a lot. Maybe i am better off without him, but although I've chosen to distance myself from him, it ain't working. Two hours. For two hours, I can believe he's mine.

blaahhh

2005-10-17T09:23:00.000-07:00

Elbows on the cushioned bed
Feet in the air,
tracing his hair
landing on his chest
sliding down his stomach.

Dreams
threatening me
while I am awake

sembreak na!:)

2005-10-15T21:21:00.000-07:00

Wow. Ang sarap ng feeling. To wake up anytime of the day, kahit alas-once na, kasi wala kang kailangang gawin. Walang deadlines. Winner!!:) But, lately I've been having trouble sleeping. Like the other night, i was in bed by 12. But I couldn't sleep, so nag tv muna ako. tapos mamaya 5 am na gising parin ako. so naglakad lakad lang ako sa kwarto ko. natulog ako alas sais na. Tapos gumising akong 6:45 kasi panonoorin ko yung play ng kapatid ko sa pampanga at 10.
Anyhow, now I can start really memorizing my script. Drop scripts naman na ako pero pag sunod sunod na yung scenes nakakalimot na ako. Tsaka kahit dun sa mga namemorize ko na may nakakalimutan parin ako minsan.
Last friday, after my philo oral exams I went strait to rehearsals. Tapos andun na sila dexter pero hindi pa nag uumpisa yung rehearsals. We tried finishing the ball dance (As in yung dance kung saan unang makikita ni romeo si juliet), but we weren't able to finish it. But it's really shaping up. I love the dances. Ang hirap kasi eh! Tapos ang gagaling ng mga dancers na kasama, kaya talagang natutulak akong galingan. at magpapayat! haha:) Ang daming mga lifts lifts. Kaya ngayon may mga pasa ako sa mga singit at tiyan dahil ewan, sa grip siguro o sobrang bigat ko talaga. haha... okey..
Okay naman yung philo orals ko. Sobrang pagod na ako nung araw na yun. tapos i read all the handouts that day narin. Para fresh.. Tapos tamad na ako magreview. Pagdating ko dun wala man lang akong kanerbyos nerbyos. sabi ni Dr. Reyes:
"So ina, are you ready to take the exam?"
I said: "No sir.."
"Oh... Well then just try to answer my questions.."
(Ano pa nga ba.. wala naman akong choice..) But it went well. He's my favoirte philo teacher as of now. And I highly recommend him It's just sad that he doesn't give high marks. In fact he says he rarely gives out A's. Usually highest na ang B. But, I learned a lot from him. And that's what's important.
Pagbaba ko ng dept. naka post na pala yung final marks ng theo 141. so chineck ko.... class number 26.5..... A! I GOT AN A! what a pleasant surprise. I mean, I never really worked for an A sa course niya. kasi papers palang, kulang na ako ng isa (out of four) dahil nasa china pa ako nung sinubmit yun. Tapos parang hindi ako umeefort sa class niya. So siguro, (diba sa mga egroups ata sinasabi na mabait si tejido?) mabait nga siya siguro talaga. "It's torture, not mercy!!!" Ika nga namin ni romeo. Pero at least nag pay off ang torture.
Pasensya na sa lagi kong pagrelate sa romeo and juliet ng mga bagay bagay a.. ganun talaga. naaadict ako eh.. Mag seskating ata kaming block sa tuesday! sana tuloy!:)

eksena ni ricky capulet

2005-10-13T14:17:00.000-07:00

(I want to write down some scenes/stories about the happenings at rehearsals. So that when the play ends I have something to read and remember.)

Last night, we were doing one of Juliet's most difficult scenes. Wherein after finding out Tybalt's death and Romeo's banishment, she and Romeo sleep together for the first and last time. And then in the morning they separate, and she has a premonition of Romeo's death. And then Lady Capulet enters her room and delivers to her the news that Lord Capulet had set up a "sudden day of joy" wherein Juliet and Paris will be wed. Now... amidst mourning and crying endlessly for Romeo, Juliet's father also enters the scene. He gets mad at her and calls her a slut. etc. But, we don't have an actor for Lord Capulet yet.

So what Ricky did was he stood in for Lord Capulet's, and he started yelling at me. It was so real I wasn't even sure anymore if he were just acting or he was really angry at me. I was so afraid! And the scene turned out really well. Katski told me later on that the scene was moving. Yanny actually felt awa for me. Pero sabi niya, buti nga daw ako acting palang. Di ko na daw naabutan yung younger days ni sir ricky. Then sabi ni s.ricky later after rehearsals that he saw terror in my eyes daw and he was thinking "that's the reaction i want!". ohm y god he's freakishly scary and effective... nakakatakot talaga siya! he even kicked the bed and i was so shocked by his strength. yeah that's all... it's a little something i think i'll always remember. ;) i wonder what we're gonna do later.. it scares and excites the shit out of me. :))

oo nga pala... okay pa naman ang school. haha.. naging second priority talaga o... but yeah, my theology oral exams was "excellent" daw sabi ni Tejido. Sana sa philo i'll also do well. Bukas na yon. After that, I can concentrate on the better stuff... ;p

Pressure pressuuurreee

2005-10-12T22:38:00.000-07:00

Nag-uumpisa nang uminit ang rehearsals ng Romeo and Juliet. Both figuratively at literally (dahil
mainit talaga dun sa lugar kung saan kami nag rerehearse). Ngayon ko nararamdaman na napaka bata ko pa talagang artista. Oo magtetwenty na ako sa December, pero and layo layo ko pa sa hinihinging galing ng papel ko sa dula. Naalala ko noong auditions palang, tinanong na ako ni Sir Ricky kung kakayanin ko iyong pressure ng dulang ito. Yung kissing scene ay isang maliit na bahagi lamang ng pressure na tinutukoy niya.
Sa dula, kung minsan may eksenang mga pitong pahina, kung saan it is "juliet's scene" ika nga ni rekdi. Ang hirap pala maging bida. Ang yabang ng tunog pero, talaga. Mahirap. Dahil tungkulin mong panatilihing mataas ang energy ng lahat. Sayo rin nagmumula ang mga pabalibalikong pag ikot ng eksena mula sa isang emosyon papunta sa susunod na emosyon.
Araw araw, bago ako pumunta sa rehearsals, nagmememorya ako. Inaalala ang mga blocks. Inaaral ang mga obligasyon ng eksena. Iniisip ang mga maaaring makatulong na alaala upang maibigay ko ang hinihinging antas ng emosyon sa bawat eksena, o bawat linya! Madalas para na akong mababaliw. Dahil si Juliet, isang minuto masaya, pangalawang minuto natataranta, pangatlo umiiyak, panga apat nagagalit, pang lima nagsusungit, pang anim inlove at marami pang iba. kailangan ko tong magawa.
Maraming kissing scene sa dulang to. At hindi lang kissing scene kundi pati pagtatambling tambling sa kama. (for lack of a better term. haha). My point being, sa mga metikulosong manonood sa mga ganitong eksena, sana medyo lawakan natin ang ating pag-iisip. Wala pa naman akong naeengkwentrong ganito, inuunahan ko lang dahil ayoko nang makarinig ng ganon. Kung mahal mo ang isang tao, hindi mo ba gugustuhing halikan ito? Sa dinami dami nang obligasyon ng isang aktor, napakaliit na ng concern na ito. Romeo and Juliet are in love. And all this love happens in just four days, so just imagine how much passion they ought to have for each other. Bawal ang pumetiks petiks. Sa apat na beses na magkakausap si Romeo and Juliet, lahat ng pagmamahal nila para sa isa't isa ay kinakailangan nilang mapakita, dahil sa bawat pagkikitang ito alam nilang nasa palad sila ng panganib.
Maaaring isagot, oo pwedeng hindi mo halikan kahit mahal mo. (siyempre) pero tignan nalang natin ang mga tauhan na ginawa ni Shakespeare. Tsiong, nagpakamatay sila dahil sa pagmamahalan nila. See how extreme that is. If they're not gonna show passion, then who are we kidding?
Okay tama na... sa totoo lang, ako mismo nahihirapan ipakita ang passion na ito. Pero ang sarap magtrabaho. Kung minsan sa isang eksena, makakaramdam ka ng napakatotoong emosyon at doon manggaling ang lahat ng pag galaw na gagawin mo... sobrang worth it. Ang sarap umarte.

Hair

2005-10-02T09:16:00.000-07:00

Seats are being emptied, one by one.
The drama-fans file to the exits like giddy lovers.
I stay in my seat

to stare at the blank stage.
The wide plank of wood—
brings together awkward bodies

obliged to peel, darkening scabs
healing.
I turn around and there he sits

beside a girl with short hair.
Hair.
I feel my own, pressing my chest

like sharp needles.
It has grown too long.
I want to cut it.

Boxing Therapy!

2005-10-01T03:33:00.000-07:00

So I was bonding with my sister last night, and I updated her more about what's been going on in my life. We talked from midnight to three in the morning. It's so great to have someone who really knows you and knows how to make you feel better.
I told her about my depressed mood and she suggested a sure fire solution to my problem.. Dating? No... Eating? No. BOXING! She said it could realy work as therapy. Punch the face of the person you hate, or punch your angst away. That's what I did. Actually, I really didn't have anyone in mind when I went boxing a while ago. But just the act of punching and punching and punching sort of purges off all the stress in your body. But then it's REALLY tiring. After the session I was as red as the color of this blog.
There. It hasn't really solved anything. But at least I feel so much more alive. I'm not planning to become a boxer though. Parang hindi bagay. hehe.. I just hope I can keep on doing this.

2005-09-29T04:22:00.000-07:00

Your Japanese Name Is...

Nami Tanaka

What's your Japanese Name?

what's up with me!

2005-09-29T03:59:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to describe how i am now. i feel blaah.. maybe it's because i slept late and woke up early just to read my history book. the long test was really tiring. it seemed easy but complicated.
Then, afterwards, I went straight to the chapel to pray. (for theo) See? That's the problem. Bat kailangan ko pang sabihin na 'for theo'? I was there, reading the 'how to make a good confession' pamphlet and realized how many little sins I make that I don't include when I confess. What is the essence of making confession? Sometimes I confess, just so I'm doing what needs to be done. But there's no real contrition or realization that I'm not doing my duties as a Catholic. I feel like I have been thinking to much of myself lately. I've forgotten God.
You know how usually when a person is asked what his/her 'life statement' is, he/she is most likely to answer something like: "I wanna be able to live for the moment. And not regret having tried the things that I could have tried." You know what, you don't need to DO things all the time. You don't need to always push yourself to learn or to move. Sometimes it's okay to be steady. I believe something is also earned in stillness. But when do you stay still, and when do you move?
What happened to my inner life? I don't feel happy. Honestly. Sometimes I feel depressed, sometimes there's just no feeling at all. I fill up my days thinking of what I can do to improve myself, or what I can do so people around me will be happy being with me. I have found nothing. Because I keep on loving so I can also be loved. I got it all wrong.
Anyway, I've got all these thoughts running round my mind right now. I wonder what I can do. Help. What do I need to do? What's lacking? How can I stop being so selfish.

Defensive Driver

2005-09-26T08:07:00.000-07:00

It won’t come as a surprise
if one day I die
in a car accident.

A month after I received
my brand new car,
I went elbow-to-elbow
with a taxi,

that left my side-mirror dangling
like a broken stem.
A year after,
a bigger enemy—a truck

decides to give my car
a nudge.
In between these two
I managed to add

little dimples
all over my car.
A friend tried to console me
by saying:

“It’s okay.
You’ll get better at it.”

Better car-wrecks
it seems.

Mini workshop

2005-09-21T20:44:00.000-07:00

It is not always a question of being stupid. More often than not it is a matter of weakness. I miss the workshop. Yesterday, I found myself once again in the workshop, digging deep and asking myself questions such as what I'm most afraid of, what are my reluctancies, etc. Knowing myself again, and realizing how fast I forget or I change. I'm reluctant to say that I'm unhappy. And its because I'm afraid I'll always be left behind. I'm most afraid of people leaving me. Of my mother dying with me leaving up the chance to expose myself to her completely, and her appreciating me the way I am.

making peace with ana

2005-09-18T08:03:00.000-07:00

You stand alone
on the wooden floor we used to share.
You bring life to our altar
the way people should.

The lighs are on you,
I watch with pride.

You command for all to listen
to the music your lips
have not yet sung.

Hidden from sight
there is none left for me.

I have not found a love
more priceless than yours.

Miss ko na kapatid kooooooo...

Rain rain rain

2005-09-16T00:18:00.000-07:00

It hasn't really stopped raining. And I am grateful because I like rain. I like driving around in the rain. Or staying at home writing while it's raining. Rain gives me comfort. I think it's because it's not as pretentious as the sun. Rain keeps me grounded, in a way. It sort of encapulates me. Keeps me in a tighter box. Helps me focus more own voice.
Im in the process of revising my first draft (for the thesis). It's doing pretty well. I discover insights about dancing/performing that i have never tried to pinpoint before. For example, I wrote:

The dance ended. I had to walk back to where he stood, as if nothing happened. I felt jealous. Pretending the whole dance was just a routine. It was not.
I will the magic. Transforming arms to wings. Floor to water. Fingers to claws. Fans to doves. Skin to silk. Lust to love.
A means to keep my secrets. Concealed.

savoring the pang:)

2005-09-13T06:36:00.000-07:00

Before the rooster even starts to plant his feet on his little podium, I am up. My bones heavy. It is about the time when the room has reached it’s coldest.
It was one of those nights when dreams would not allow me to rest. I kept quiet despite a voice that insisted I speak. I missed him. All the attention that filled me up to the brim.
He was my drug.

A Date with my parents

2005-09-11T07:52:00.000-07:00

I took a nap, and woke up at around 3pm. I went to the room of my parents... Both still in pajamas. I asked them if they wanted to watch Brother's Grim. NR. So I walked out the room.

mom: San ka pupunta?
ina: sa taas, magbibihis. ako nalang manonood. (strategy ko..that always works)

So i went up my room again, plopped down in bed and started reading a book. Tumilaok yung phone ko. Message from mom:

Wait for us. Sama kami sayo.

Edi natuloy!:) Pero nakakahiya sila katabi... ang lakas ng mga comment habang nanonood. Eh diba yung brother's grim ay pelikula ng pinaghalohalong (halo halo?) fairytale? so halimbawa naglalakad yung little red riding hood...

mom: little red riding hood...
dad: hindi nga?
mom: oo..
(mum...joke yun...inaasar ka lang ni daddy..)

maraming mga ganon. pero nung isang part nung nakahiga yung 'sleeping beauty' at hinalikan ni matt daemon.. (anung spelling nun?)

dad: Romeo and Juliet o!

haaaaaayyyyyyy.... ang kulit!!

but before that, in the car, akala ko matatanggalan na ako ng paa. I was seated at the back of the driver's seat, tapos, si daddy inadjust yung upuan niya. tapos bumagsak sa paa ko. Hindi ko matanggal yung paa ko! Napasigaw ako talaga. tapos si daddy sobrang taranta! Finally, natanggal ko yung paa ko after mga 5 seconds. tapos nagalit sakin si daddy. sinigawan ako kasi daw linagay lagay ko yung paa ko dun. haha....nakakatawa siya pag natatarantang naguguilting ewan. vinevent-out sayo yung galit.

because of the ballet i watched

2005-09-08T05:31:00.000-07:00

PEDESTAL

Turn on the spotlight, focused
on that little box

where he and I
are clasped
together
with no space in between.

Turn your heads to
where the light hits

not
where it comes from.

Open your eyes

watch how he holds me.

Pay attention to his hands
and how they feel my skin.
The veins bulging,

see how it ceases to let go.

Let your eyes linger
On our bodies
mine
on top of
his

cramped in our little space.

Hold your breath
out of respect

for this is what we do.
We suffocate ourselves
and you
who like to watch

our smothered bodies.

2005-09-07T06:28:00.000-07:00

What is wrong with Ateneo male students?
Why are they more inclined to steal a glance at our "abubots" compared to the girls?
Mitch said something about the 'colors' attracting them.... whooooooo:))

Red Dress

2005-09-06T21:30:00.000-07:00

I was six, when I first had my share of the oozing delight of having a very handsome man plant a kiss on my cheek. It was from Monsour del Rosario.
On the eve of my father’s birthday, I was in my room looking at the two new dresses I had laid down on my bed. It took me a week to narrow down what I had wanted to wear to my father’s birthday party. I wasn’t sure if Monsour was coming, but I prepared just the same, in case he would. One of the dresses was a velvet black dress with a white laced rounded collar. The other was a velvet red, with puffed sleeves, and a ribbon of a darker shade tied around the stomach. I picked out the red dress and wore it. I walked to the mirror and looked at myself.
My hair was black and poofy. Short. About ear length. I had bangs, cut strait across my forehead, just above the eyebrows. I noticed a change in the way my eyes looked. The redness of the dress brought out the darkness of my pupils. I looked very good, I judged. I stood there for minutes watching myself.
I glanced at my legs. White, young skin. No trace of scars. Tender calves that have not yet developed muscle.
When it was getting late I decided to take off the dress and get some sleep. But I couldn’t. I kept imagining how I would react if Monsour entered the room. I practiced appearing unexcited. I practiced how I would control my laughter. It might turn him off. I imagined how he would look, what he would be wearing, the color of his face. The jagged edges of his short hair. I felt like it was my birthday I was anticipating.
I woke up early on the day of the party. Stayed in the house and watched the maids and my mother set-up the decorations. The sun was setting, when a large sculpture arrived carried by two men. It was set in the middle of our swimming pool. A floating fountain. I marveled at it for an hour. It had lights sprouting with the water. Green lights. Yellow lights. Blue lights. Red lights. Petals were showered round the pool as well.
Guests started to arrive. My cousins and sister played cards on the floor. I sat among them finally, after much agitation. My neck frustrated by my constant turning to see the guests arriving. My lips, getting tired from having to kiss all the titos and titas.
It was getting late, and I had started to give up on him arriving. I felt I wasn’t as stunning as I had originally been when I came down the staircase. Suddenly, the faces of my playmates changed. Their eyes started to look from one another to an image behind me. Their lips turning up as if awaiting the climax of a practical joke. I turned around—smack! In an instant I inhaled an overwhelming scent of male perfume, and felt a gentle kiss land on my cheek. Soft. I heard giggling around me. I looked into the eyes of the kisser, and it was Monsour. The tan color of his face. The strong bone structure. His little round eyes and blacker than black eyelashes. This inventory happened in two seconds. I turned around quickly to face my playmates. I felt heat rush up my cheeks. They were laughing at me. While they did, his hands found my shoulder. Gently rubbing it.
I had become as red as my dress.

Why I Come Back

2005-09-06T08:50:00.000-07:00

The cultural show. Two hours of folk dance. What a drag, most would think.
But to be lured by the magic of Bayanihan is a different story. My story. When I say magic, I mean it.
The experience of Bayanihan simply fit my crazy nature. The diversity of our culture seen in the different dances paralleled the complexity of my persona.
This, I had been trying to share to my classmates in Ateneo. I meet friends, I mention the word ‘Bayanihan’ and they go: “What’s that?” Or, “Ah, yung tinikling.” They have no idea what they are missing.
Dancing for Bayanihan, is not a job or an extra-curricular activity, but a way of life. Bayanihan has not only taught me to dance in the traditional way. It opened my eyes to different cultures—inside and outside the walls of the rehearsal hall.
Being Bayanihan does not stop with the performance on stage. What is of more value to them is the performance off stage. How you look, how you behave, and how you blend into a group.
The dancer is observed critically. For example, women are supposedly not allowed to be too close to the male dancers (although there are many underground ‘couples’ among the dancers). The manners and etiquette are checked. How you socialize with different groups or classes, and how you converse is also vital. On tours abroad, they usually assign me the job of what they call the “social committee,” which means I am in charge of facing our hosts, be they ambassadors or princes. I’d be forced to converse, until later on I realized that socializing became so much easier when I acquired for myself a genuine interest in the other.
The way the dancer looks. I cannot stress enough how important that is to them. Especially for the women. When traveling or when invited to shows, we cannot leave our rooms without our hairs up in a bun, clean without any tutchang. Nor can we leave our rooms without any make-up. Our duty is always to look presentable, or beautiful to the best of our abilities. Our faces are almost uniform because even the style of make-up must be the same for each dancer.
If you ask me, I’d say these values are artificial.
It is not always beautiful in Bayanihan. There have been numerous times that I have wanted to leave and never come back. But somehow I find myself, every year, at the CCP season production.
I would come back, if only to smell the empty theater before a show. Or to lie down on stage absorbing everything I love about it while the other dancers prance around the dressing rooms. I would come back, again and again, so I could hear the titillating music of the ethnic drums and kulintang, feel the lights warming my skin, my face.
Ultimately, I come back if only to face again an audience applauding on their feet with a renewed sense of pride for what is truly Filipino. I love being Filipino. I guess it all boils down to that.

poem

2005-04-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

Whispers of the racing current
Wandering towards the East
I plead for it to come my way
And be the last accident in my life

Ganun parin

2005-04-12T08:15:00.000-07:00

Ang pag-arte pala, parang pamumuhay narin. Hindi mo pwedeng harapin sa isang eksena ang isang katotohanang hindi mo pa nahaharap sa sarili mong buhay. Pwede.. Pero halimbawa, kung hindi mo papayagan ang sarili mong maging "hubad" sa harap ng ibang tao, hindi mo rin maaasahang makakayanan mong magpahiwatig ng tunay na pagiging "hubad" sa harapan ng camera. Oo ganun. Ang labo ko magpaliwanag no?
Wala akong makuwento... Pano, para nanaman akong tuliro. Hindi ko nanaman maintindihan kung anung gusto kong mangyari. Kinamusta ako kasi ni "toooot" kanina. Dapat mag uusap kami ngayon kaya lang di ko na siya inabutan. Hay.... Yun lang. Pauwi ako sa bahay, sa kalye, nakatingin ako sa labas ng bintana. Nakaramdam nanaman ako ng lungkot at pag-iisa. Pero ayoko nang isipin na dahil hindi naman talaga ako nag-iisa eh. Nandiyan yung pamilya ko. Pati na rin ang mga kaibigan ko. Pero ang hirap. Kung minsan, gusto ko lang na makausap siya. Makasama. Kahit hindi siya eh. Pero mas okey kung siya. AAAAAArgh. Hindi rin ako in-love. Hindi diba? Kalokohan kung oo.
Ano kayang mararamdaman ko kung nag usap ulit kami ng personal? Tuwing nangyayari yun dati, nanunumbalik lang yung nararamdaman ko para sa kaniya. Pano ngayon? Ganun parin kaya? Kahit na nakapag paalam na ako sa kaniya --sa workshop? Alam kong hindi tunay na buhay yun, pero malaki narin ang naitulong nun sakin. Hindi ko alam. Hindi ko alam.

Ego

2005-04-11T03:49:00.000-07:00

(Kailangan ko na pala talaga mag update ng blog.)

I usually agree to the saying: Time flies. I still do. But today, I recall events that have happened to me in the past four months and I realize how full it has been. Love, or whatever it was that I felt, has made each minute valuable. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for an answer. And it took time for me to realize that there was nothing for me to wait for. I don't blame my sister or my friends, or myself for that matter, for wanting to wait. Because it did seem like there was much light at the end of the tunnel for me and him. The thought still leaves me with a tinge of sadness. Much has happened to me. Inside.

Not having anyone to think of or to worry about has made me instead, turn to my self. I've started to take a good look at who I am. (Not by my own doing, actually, but because of the acting workshop i have been attending.) What I think of myself, what my needs are, who i value the most...etc. And of all the exercises, the hardest ones for me were those directed for ego reconstruction. That's when I realized how lost I really am. Of course now I want to stop admitting that Im lost, because now Im thinking--I have to do something about it. I realize how immature I am, and at first I felt irritated by it. But now I like it. At least I know where I stand.

I’m gonna miss the workshop… It has taught me so much. Yanny told me the other day how much he thought I had grown in just two to three weeks. And I feel the same. Its amazing how when you look at yourself and you focus on getting to know who you really are and how you feel, you blossom in more ways than one.

Movin on?

2004-12-26T07:07:00.000-08:00

Some things are just not meant for you. And everything is in it's place for a reason. Its actually the same feeling I used to get when i was a kid. When I'd want to get something, but it wouldn't be given to me. The same goes now. Lam-ang is over, the wonderful magical experience is over. Illusion perhaps came from the experience as well, I don't know. Illusions that have somehow stuck in my heart. The trick I guess, is for you to accept as soon as you recognize. I recognize that he doesn't like me the same way I have already grown to care about him. Kaya stop na. Hoping for sumthin better ahead of me... Magbe birthday pa man din ako.

Nam Nak

2004-11-06T05:41:00.000-08:00

Nak.... naka naman... Sana walang fan ng pelikulang "Nam Nak" na nagbabasa nito ngayon. Hindi ko nagustuhan ang pelikula... Simula palang halatang halata na agad ang twist ng kwento. Nakuha ko ang pakiramdam na mababa lamang ang tingin ng gumawa ng pelikula sa manonood ng pelikula. LAHAT ay kinailangan pang ipaliwanag. Hindi ba't matagal nang sinasabi na "Less is more"? Nakakapagod. Ang tagal matapos ng pelikula. Nakakainis. Buti nalang bumili ako ng snickers pagatapos kaya naglakad narin ako papunta sa kotse nang may ngiti sa aking mga labi. pwe!

Tamad. Hipokrito?

2004-11-02T01:44:00.000-08:00

Hindi ako dapat tinatamad magsulat. Sabi ko nga last sem: "the more you create the more you learn". pero wala... umiral parin ang katamaran. Katamarang mapagbibigyan. Bakit? Dahil Sembreak! Oras na sadyang inilalaan para sa isip at katawang pinagod at piniga ng nagdaang semestre. pwe! :)

Anung ginawa ko nuong sembreak? Wala. Wala at wala. Gabi gabi natutulog ng iba't ibang oras. Nagbabasa minsan, minsan tumatanga lang. Kadalasan tumatanga lang. Walang saysay. Pero gaya ng sinabi ko, okay lang din maging walang saysay paminsan minsan. Anung haharapin ko bukas? Sa panibagong semestre? Bawal ma excite...

May sikreto ako... kinuha akong gumanap sa isang pelikula. Tungkol sa birhen ng Manaoag (iyon ang sinabi sa akin). Maliit lamang na parte... Pero hulaan niyo kung ano? Mama Mary. Pumunta ako sa screening dahil lang gusto ko nang itigil ang ugali kong agad agad na umaayaw sa kahit na anong bagay na di pamilyar. Pero kalahati ng isip ko, umaasang hindi ko nalang makuha ang parte. Pero hindi. Pag dating ng gabi nakatanggap ako ng mensahe na nakuha ko raw ang parte. Maximum of two shooting days lang kaya siguradong maliit na parte lamang.

Bakit ayaw ko? Dahil iniisip ko nanaman ang iisipin ng ibang tao. Sakit ko na ito. Pero pwe! Ayaw kong magpaka hipocrito. Ayaw kong isipin ng iba na tinanggap ko ang parte na iniisip kong kaya kong bigyang hustisya ang parte. Hindi! Hindi at hindi. Pero hindi nga ba kaya tinawag na "acting" ang acting? Dahil sinusubukan lamang natin isalarawan ang mga katotohanan. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mangyayari. Umaasa ako na magawa ko ang hinihingi ng direktor at higit pa. Sana wala nalang makapanuod.. hehehehe.

breezin through..

2004-10-26T06:55:00.000-07:00

The mind shushes the heart into silence.
The heart mumbles.
It needs not abundance.
Just the mind, saying
it need not look elsewhere.

chiz... ;) nothin so great abouot my day...

Pareho parin ang ihip ng hangin

2004-10-24T03:24:00.000-07:00

Ang tagal ko nang hindi sumasayaw sa Bayanihan. Nawala ako dahil sa buhay ko, naiba ang ihip ng hangin. Gaya ng sinabi ko noong mga una kong sinulat sa blog, malaki ang ipinagbago ng pananaw ko sa buhay simula noong nag directing class ako. Pinagsawaan ko, hindi ang pagsasayaw, hindi ang Bayanihan, kundi ang pagkakulong sa iisang hanging nakukulob sa mga dingding ng Bayanihan. Nakakasawa. Nang tumagal ako sa kumpaniya, marami akong nadiskubreng hindi ko nalang sana nadiskubre tungkol sa mga taong noong umpisa pa nama'y hinangaan ko.

Alam kong normal sa isang kumpaniya ang magkaroon ng iba't ibang klaseng tao, na ma iba't ibang klaseng baho. Sa katunayan'y hindi talaga iyon maiiwasan sa mundo. Pero naisip ko lang na marami pang puwedeng gawin, marami pang puwedeng makita na ang kahihinatnan ay hindi kalungkutan. Marami. Gaya nalang ng naging eksperiyensiya ko sa pagdidirek. Mahirap. Parang pagbubuntis, mahirap pero sulit. Dahil ang ibabalik sayo ay higit pa sa ibinigay mo.

Akala ko'y hindi na ako apektado ngayon sa panghihinayang na nawala ang dating paguudyok na nararamdaman ko tuwing sumasayaw ako kasama ng kumpaniya. Gusto ko parin. Mahal na mahal ko ang pagsasayaw, at ang ginagawa ng Bayanihan na pagtaas sa karangalan ng Pilipinas sa tuwing naglalakbay sila sa iba't ibang lupalop ng daigdig (over...). Ngunit kahapon tila'y bumagsak muli ang kaunting pag-asa na naramdaman ko para sa kumpaniya. Wala pa ring ipinagbago. Kung ano yoong iniwan ko, kung ano iyong masamang hangin na dati'y pinagsawaan ko, naroon parin.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit umasa pa ako na mag-iba ang ihip ng hangin. Sa ngayon? Kahit masakit, wala akong magagawa. Kahit mahal ko, kung hindi na ako nagiging masaya, kung wala na siyang ngiting naidudulot sa aking mukha, kailangan ko nang itigil. Gayunpaman, hindi ako nagsasalita ng tapos. Pero sa ngayon...babay muna.

tik-----ekekekekek...

2004-10-18T07:37:00.000-07:00

I just came from rehearsals in Ateneo. Wow, first time i''ve ever seen the parking lot near ctc completely vacant! Anyway, ....tagalog nalang... super saya ng rehearsals namin kanina. tawanan ng tawanan ang lahat. tapos yung opening number palang hindi na ako maka sayaw ng maayos kasi tawa ako ng tawa. yung iba rin hindi rin maka kanta na. Kinailangan namin ulitin ng ilang beses pa para lang tumino. haha.. pero kahit si sir ricky tawa rin ng tawa. so that's good. yung mga TA ba naman eh.. ang hyper talaga ng lahat!

Haha.. may blooper pa ako. Again ang hirap ipaliwanag sa ganitong paraan pero susubukan ko narin... mayroon kasing eksena sa LAM-ANg kung saan magmumukmok at magtatantrum si Lam-ang dahil wala siyang ama. Tapos pagsimula niyang mag tantrum ako una niyang makikita kaya kukunin niya a ko at itatapon. hahaha... eh kanina...hahaha.... hhaahah.. rinerehearse lang yung blocking.. tapos pinapakita ni Randy (yung dancer) kay Felix (si lam-ang) kung saan ako hahawakan pag itatapon na. eh hindi ko alam na itutuloy niya..hahaha... so tinapon ako tapos lumipad talaga ako tapos bumagsak ako sa pwet ko! hahahahaha!!!! pero siyempre alala sila akala nasaktan ako! buti nalang yung puwet ko sa laki parang naka but pads narin! alam mo kung anung nakakahiya????? nanduon kasi sa audience si SIR LABELLA!!!! ooh my gaaaahhhhsssshh... talaga! hahaha! iniisip ko kaagad kung anun iniisip niya~!#%@$

anyway, tawanan kaming lahat after nun. tapos banda huli bigla nalang namatay energy ko. sobrang tamad na ako ngumiti... tapos pag dating dun sa part na sasabihin ni lam-ang

"Tandang! Tilaok!!!"
sabi ko:
"tikkk...ehkohoho...."
haha.. hindi na kaya ng powers ko tumilaok! nakakahiya! haha... anyway... nakakahiya talaga kailangan ata magredbull ako bago n itong show na to. act 1 palang pagod na ako.

on a positive note, (anung positive? eh kanina pa ako humahalakhak sa blog.. ang labu) before i went to the RMT dumaan muna ako sa dela costa. nakakagulat talaga ang nakita ko. B+ ako? hindi ako makapaniwala. kasi yung orals ko ang dami dami kong sinabi pero yung mukha ni migs (haha... panindigan ang nickname) nakakunot na yung nuo niya. tapos palagi nalang siyang..: "huh? can you explain that? are you sure?" mga ganun. kaya naisip ko talaga... sheeet.... actually napa shet talaga ako. sabay sabi niya.. "tamo ikaw talaga pinaka bad girl sa kanila nagmumura ka pa.." ay sorry ah. hehe. hindi ko alam pano nangyari yun. hindi ko talaga kagagawan yun. dahil talaga yun sa mga nag pray para sakin. kaya...

"shout for joy! sing His praises.. lift your vooo-ice unto the Lord! cummon lets shout for joy!" grabe talaga milagro yun. yunlang.. miss na miss ko na mga blockmate ko. serioso. nasanay na ako na nakikita kayo lage. at nakaka tong-its. haaayy.. im reading a book right now. (hindi pa harry potter yumi:) sunod na yun) ang title niya "Second draft of my life" naintriga ako kasi tungkol siya sa writer.. obviously... la lang. para naman okay. easy reading... sarap ng sembreak no?

I don't wonder

2004-10-16T03:02:00.000-07:00

Philo orals, tapos narin. I roled the cute 20-sided dice na muntik ko nang iuwi after the test kung hindi lang sinabi sakin ni miguel (naks close) na "wag mo naman iuwi yung dice ko.." hahah. anyway, i got thesis number 4 which i thought was an easy one. so i started explaining dirediretso what i prepared in the outline. But then after i said it all, mukhang wala pa pala akong nasasabi! Tanung siya ng tanung sagot naman ako ng sagot. Pero wala akong narating na tamang sagot. *isang malaking buntong hiniga* wala na akong magagawa iyon na iyon. and unlike the others who also messed up (or so they said) their orals, mine wasn't because of the nerves but because of sheer stupidity! hahaha.. better luck next time talaga. pero sana hindi naman sobrang baba no? sana man lang maka B ako... ano kaya? hindi na siguro..

anyway, to my blockmates.. siyempre pag dating ko duon chinika muna ako ni miguel. (nakaka tamad kasi isulat yung buong pangalan niya). tapos inulit nanaman niya sakin na..

"akala ko ikaw yung pinakamabait sa block niyo. hindi pala."
"sir naman. mabait ako."
"sinong pinakamabait sa inyo?"
"ah si yumi na siguro yun."
"si yumi? hindi ba si jay?"
"ahhmmm sa tingin ko po si yumi. pero hindi ko sigurado.. kasi si jay magpapare yun eh." (hehe peace jay.)
"hehe.. akala ko si ano yung pinaka angsty sa inyo..si..."
"si cerz?"
"oo. pero yun pala si miss santiago yung mas may angst."

diba.. share ko lang. haaaayyy... sembreak na.. pero hindi pa ako masaya kasi medyo nakakaasar yung mga finals ko. hehehe.. itatawa ko nalang.... laugh with me. one.. two ... three... niyaahahahahaha!
oo nga pala speaking of lisps. (wala naman siyang lisp no pero) sabi ni migs (o paiksi ng paiksi) kanina ..."well you were saying kanina that douth..." ANO DAW? DOUBT BA YON? hehehehe:) pero he corrected himself naman...

next sem talaga mas mag aaral pa ako. oh sadaappp just do it... tentenenenn... just do it...tentenenen....

Thmall thircle thmall thircle...

2004-10-12T06:22:00.000-07:00

Miss na miss ko na ang pagdidirek! Pero ngayon shashatap na ako dahil hindi na maganda ang naidudulot ng kahibangang itoh. Siyempre high A ako sa directing--dapat lang. Pero ang iba ko naman subject nanganganib na. EEEEkkkkk... Yung history test ko nung monday parang iniyakan ko na walang luha. Pigangpiga na utak ko. Pano kasi binasa ko lahat the night before. Bagsak na talaga ako duon... Sana magmilagro. Aabot pa kaya ako sa QPI?? Tapos kanina naman nagtest ako sa teolohiya... naks... tagalog kuno.

*meanwhile... nagyoyosi si daddy...tinaas ko yung hood ng jacket ko sa buhok ko. sabi ko "mangangamoy buhok ko kaka shampoo ko lang!" sabi naman niya "ako rin naman eh!" eh wala naman kinakapitan yung amoy sa buhok niya eh...niyeehehehehe....*

Anyway, hinabol ko in kanina yung portfolio ko para sa non-fic. May nakakatawang nangyari.. kao mahirap kayong matawa dahil hindi niyo kilala yung tinutukoy ko. SI cerz oo kilala niya. SI jet, yung kaklase ko sa Directing (sory directing nanaman) dumating nung nagcocomputer ako sa RSF. Tapos tinabihan niya ako. DUn siya nagcomputer.. eh may lisp yun... tapos lagi namin pinagtatawanan at inaasar ni dino. nakakatuwa siya kasing asarin dahil pikon na pikon talaga. Pero i've decided na indi ko na siya aasarin kasi kawawa naman baka matampal na ako. En den! sabay bati siya sa akin:
"ina! kamuthta?"
"okay lang. ikaw?"
"lam mo ba apat ang finalth ko today?"
(natatawa na pero nagpipigil...) "talaga?"

computer computer pa kami... maya maya kausap niya yung nasa harap namin na computer, ka group ata niya or something. sabi niya: "anung gagawin dito?"
"lagyan mo lang ng mga circle circle.."

sabay kanta si jet:
"Thmall thircle thmall thircle,, biiiig thircle"

tawa siya ng tawa sa joke niya. ako naman, hindi nakapag pigil tawa narin ng tawa! mwahahaha... tapos sabi niya sakin:

"bakit? ikaw kasi eh lagi kang naka thimangot.." mwahahahaha...

sorry po.. i know it's bad to make fun of people who are a little bit different.. pero at least he made my day diba? sobrang depressed ko na kasi kanina dahil sa mga exam ko. eh ayun, tawa galore ako pag labas ko sa RSF. hmm.... mukha siguro akong may topak nun.. .babaeng naglalakad sa ilalim ng ulan, walang kasama, tumatawa...

marami pa akong kuwento. lalo na tungkol dun sa cast party namin nung saturday. pero tsaka na. kelangan ko pa mag-aral. kailangan yun mahabang buelo. para thwabeee... niyahaha.... tharap tumawa! hala baka mahawa na ako sa lisp niya. :)

Bading

2004-10-06T22:43:00.000-07:00

I was by myself, driving home in my car when I looked out the window. I saw a thin guy. Or i bet he'd prefer if i called him "girl". Nakatalikod. Pero ung mukha niya nakatingin sa mga kotse. Naka sleeveless na white at fitted na jeans. May sumbrero siyang payong, at nagbebenta siya ng mga ganoon sa kalye. Matrafick. Nang nakaandar ako ng konti sinilip ko ulit siya. Haha. Laking gulat ko nang makita kong umiihin pala siya! kaya pala siya naka harap sa pader. Ang masakalap nakita ko pa ang dulo ng "ari" niya na may lumalabas na wiwi. nakakdiri na nakakatawa. kawawa naman siya... kasi panigurado pakiramdam niya babae siya na nabigyan ng maling klaseng ari.. ho well... what a wierd entry.

Ang helmet ni Ina

2004-10-04T23:30:00.000-07:00

Hangover parin ako. Pasensya na kung puro ganito nababasa niyo... Pero di magtatagal magbabago rin naman ang ihip ng hangin. You can't step on the same river twice. Ano? =)

GUsto ko lang ikuwento kung anung pinagdadaanan ko, o pinagdaanan ko.. Ang galing talaga ng kurso ng pagdidirek. At kahit na medyo nakakainis sa pagaka-biased yung titser (biased nga ba?) and dami ko paring napulot. Ayun o... tissue sa sahig na nakapulupot... i.d. sa hallway... hehe! si cerz kasi nagnakaw ng i.d. na nakita namin sa EDSA walk. =) labyu cerz! anyway...

Iba talaga ang dating sakin ng kurso na 'to. Bakit? Kasi para ngang may nagising o napindot na switch sa loob ko na hindi ko alam may silbi pala. Unang papel na isinabmit ko kay Yan yung sa textual analysis ng dulang FRESHMEN. At nang ibinalik niya sakin yung papel ko nakita ko sa dulo ang komento niya: "Try to keep an open mind throughout the sem" Parang ganon. Hindi ko lang sigurado kung ano yung eksaktong nakalagay. Pero ang unang reaksyon ko nun: "Eh pakelam mo ba eh kung sa 'yon ang opinion ko". Dahil sa inis ko, lagi ko nang iniisip yung komento niya. Parang nakakainis kasi. Hanggang sa isang araw bigla kong naisip basahin ulit yung ginawa kong papel. At duon nakita ko na sa pagkakasulat ko pala iba talaga ang dating ng sinasabi ko sa totoong gusto kong sabihin. Try to keep an open mind. Oo nga. Bakit nga ba ako pumalag agad sa sinabi niya? Sarado nga ang isip ko.

Dito ko nasimulang maintindihan na hindi pala sa opinion mo lang nagwawakas ang lahat. Pag sinabi mo palang "Panget" and isang bagay puwede mo naring murahin ang sarili mo dahil porkit ba pangit para sayo pangit na talaga? Bakit naging pangit? Napilitan akong pag-isipan muna ang mga sinasabi ko bago ako magsalita. Ang galing hindi ko alam kung sinasadya gawin yon ni Yani. Malamang hindi. Pero para narin niyang binasag helmet ko.

Anung kahibangan

2004-10-04T08:01:00.000-07:00

Gaya ng sinabi ni Ceres sa live journal niya, totoo talagang nakakahibang ang teatro. Para kang nasa ibang mundo. Sa tingin ko ibang mundo nga talaga siya. At sa ngayon, namumuhay ako sa pagitan ng dalawang mundo. Duon ako nag eenjoy pero ibinabalik ako ng akademiko sa kabilang mundo. Kung puwede lang talaga sanang puro yun nalang ang trabaho ko.

Tapos na talaga ang directing class. Oficially. Dahil sa cast party nanduon na kami hindi bilang klase kundi bilang mga mongoloid. Yeah. hehehe... at with the theme ng "Goin bananas" care of Yanny. Ang sarap. Tapos na. Sulit lahat ng pagod ko. laking gulat ko na matataas parin ang grade sakin ng mga kaklase ko. Lalo na si Cerz. Salamat. Nakakaiyak. Hehe.. Da best ang klase ni Yani. Kahit na habang tumatagal lumalabas talaga mga nakakatuwang kabaduya niya. Hehe. At least totoo diba.

Pagod ako. nagrehearse ako Lam-ang kanina pero wala naman ako masyadong ginawa. Nanunuod lang ako. pero okay lang kasi an dami kong natututunan kay Sir Ricky. Siyempre hanggang ngayon kinakarir ko parin ang pagdidirek. Tapos na ina.... He! Wala akong pake. Eh kung sa 'yon ang hilig ko. Eh kung sa 'yon ang adiksyon ko. At least hindi drugs diba. Nothing against people who use drugs though...Buhay niyo yan. =) hehe.

Hammm...Ayun. Nakakaloko.. Tapos na talaga. Naka A ako. Clap clap clap!=) hummmwaah!

sleep all day

2004-10-02T08:13:00.000-07:00

Finally, I took advantage of the weekend. I slept last night at around 12 then I woke up 9:30 but forced myself to go back to sleep then I woke up at 11:30. yeah... and my eyes were so fat from all the sleep.

Anyway, spent the whole day at home. Thinking..eating...typing. I'm unhappy. Gahhd... I dunno why, but I feel like I should be somewhere else. spending my time with someone i like. But no. there's no one. but I don't wanna be looking. Something's missing! Henyway... nothing really happened to me today. So there's nothing to report on.

and it's over

2004-09-29T21:03:00.000-07:00

Directing FInals is finally over. And what a release of tension. But I feel like I don't want it to be over yet because I don't know when I'll be doing something like that again.

I set a call time of 3:30, even though my slot was at 5:45, to avoid tension. BUT, 3:30 only my lights person and my sister (one of my actresses) were there. 4:00.. still just the three of us... 4:10 my other actress arrived. 4:20 my other actor arrived. But my two leads were still not there! My bear (lead actress) arrived at 4:30. Then i got a call from my lead actor, the dog, that he was still in makati and that he'll try to make it by five. Anyway, he arrived 5:30!

The show went well... though i still had some notes... but it went well in general. I really felt support from my friends; cerz for staying behind with me when i rehearsed the night before and for being patient when i keep on talking about our plays; yumi, for helping me with the tree prop (which looked really good, in fairness!)and for the support narin (even if she didn't watch my play i know she really wanted to, awww..); edlyn, for being my guest from the start till the end of the class, for taking the effort of asking permission from her parents..hehe); sino pa ba... aba parang awards night! haha.

last night was a full night. full of little "events". sarap.. right now, i don't even feel tired. I want more. Now, it's like--back to reality. Back to facing the long test results that were given us a while ago.. history... 57 points. bagsak. then philo test tomorrow. oh well. good thing i still have LAM-ANG. dito ko nalang ibubuhos yung natitirang enthusiasm ko pa para sa teatro.

feels really wiered.. that now i don't have to think about my play anymore. just like that. anyway, move on ina. im gonna buy cello's doughnuts now. comfort food! that's all for now..

Oiliness is next to ugliness

2004-09-27T23:56:00.000-07:00

I couldn't think of any tittle.. I'm so tired. And feel so sticky! I haven't had complete 8 hours of sleep for the past few days. last night i slept at 3 and woke up at 8. the other night i slept at 5 and woke up at 10:30. Anyway, I had a loooong day.

First at 11:20 in the morning I was in school looking for Xander (to open the dance studio for my rehearsals). But I couldn't. Cause it was a saturday. So I went around school looking for a 'maintenance hunk'. And I did! All sweaty and smelly! hehehe. "Sige ma'm susunod ako sayo." yuck.. parang porn film. Anyway.

Then I re-blocked my whole play! Because before I went to bed I thought of another groundplan. Much better than what I though of first. So there.... It was so hot in the dance studio. Tanghaling tapat! Amoy araw na ako! An hour later, my actor texted me. "Hey I'm in the gonzaga theater. DIto ba tayo?" So i went there and found that the theatre was open! WIth aircon lights and all.. but no one was using it so we transfered there.

Ina the red nosed fool

2004-09-23T02:12:00.000-07:00

So, after class at around 12 I went to Cantina to have lunch with 2 of my friends. Then I waited, and just hung around with them. I didn't want to go home anymore since I had rehearsals for Lam-ang at 6. Then at around 4 the SM texted that rehearsals were canceled. Sayang oras ko diba?

Anyway, so I dragged my feet to the car and drove home. When I was crossing EDSA an MMDA officer stopped me. SO I did. But I was really wondering why? SO I rolled down my window and then the officer said:
"Ma'am bakit kayo tumawid na pula na yung stoplight??"
"Huh? Tumawid ako go pa yan, nung nasa gitna na ako ng kalye tsaka lang siya nag dilaw."
"Hindi ho eh, pinapara namin kayo." (pero sa totoo lang talaga namang go pa eh)
Then i handed over my license. A few seconds later they asked for the registration of my car. Then while they were doing their buisiness, I was in my car contemplating on how everything just seemed to be working against me. How i haven't been able to study for my exams... How i haven't been able to rehearse my play.. dance rehearsals were cancelled... it's raining...i don't have a boyfriend... (huh? ba't nasama yon?) And then all of a sudden I started to cry. Then I couldn't control it!
By the time the officer approached my window again to let my sign the ticket, he saw me all red nosed..
"Ma'm ako ba dahilan bakit ka umiiyak? Huwag ka na po umiyak"
(ina nods, no comment, umiiyak parin..)
"Ma'm eto na ibabalik ko naman sayo lisensya mo eh.. wag ka na umiyak.. maliit na problema lang 'to."

Anyway, I drove home crying.. How pathetic. But ANYWAY, when I got home I went to my mom's office. What i didn't know was that she had guests! About 4 people from THE BUZZ was there interviewing her. So when I saw them i quickly turned around to leave. But as usual, my mom calls me... "Ina! Si Almed o naaalala mo?" (Almed was the assistant of Boy Abunda who was my manager during the time I was "acting") SO I turned around... (with matching music dapat na "rudolph the red nosed raindeer...") then I said:

"Natikitan ako...."
Everyone: "Huh?" "what?" "saan?" "anung nangyari?"

So i narrated the whole thing to them.. Then by the time I ended my anecdote they were laughing at me. "Kawawa naman si ina.." but with a laugh. hehe... pati ako natatawa tuloy... Shit!

SO there... that's my day... so empty!!!

yeeeebaaaahhHHH

2004-09-21T21:49:00.000-07:00

(habang sumasayaw) yeS! may blog narin ako.

Today is a laughing day for me. As if I drunk a whole bottle of weng-weng by myself. I was in the foyer (I still am actually) with yumi, cerz and chika using the computers beside me. WHen all of sudden I hear this annoying sound. CLack. Clack.. clack. clack. It was cerz banging the mouse on the table. =) stupid mouse, of course i knew that it was because the mouse was really difficult to handle. But ANYWAY, i started sending cerz ym messages.. "uuyy.. si cerz hindi marunong gumamit ng mouse" hahahaha... ANyway, it doesn't seem so funny anymore now that Im writing it. hayy..

The other day, monday, at 10:30 in the morning I danced at the opening of the Arete, Humanities week. It was an ethnic dance called Bli't Bilaan. And it was a dance supposedly imitating birds flying and flirting with other birds. ANYWAY, unfortunately the stage, or the dancing area rather, was really small! Like 2 large steps for length and 1 large step for width. Imagine.. so I was "flying" with the malong that i spread in my arms, but then because of the small space I actually felt like I was a madwoman going round and round in circles.. Then just a few seconds after I began dancing i saw from the corner of my eye sir Vince watching me. Crap!!!! Bad trip! It was so damn awkward... (mali pa spelling..) to top it all off, yumi approached me after the dance telling me that Sir Locker was also watching the whole dance.

i have to go. ayaw ako payagan ni yumi mag cut. gusto ko panuorin si gabs. haha..joke.. ja know what he's gonna be doin in cerz's play???? ha!!! sorry kayo! see yah!